Product Review: From a Feet Perspective By Barefoot Jake

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Product Review:From a Feet Perspective
By Barefoot Jake

Hello. Let me introduce myself. I'm a foot. Actually, I'm two feet. I have the standard homo sapien five appendages per side with 26 bones, 33 joints, and over a hundred ligaments, tendons and muscles. I'm attached to Jake's body. Jake's brain asked me to do a product review of Jake's body to which we both belong. It's my first product review, so please be gentle.


A little background. This all got started about 40 years ago. We were happily living in some kind of Kevin Costner-esque water scene when we got squeezed into this cold world, dripping wet without a stitch on us. The mouth immediately began to LOUDLY object. To be honest, Jake's mouth has gotten the rest of us in a lot of trouble since then, like that one time with the Russian guy in the Danish bar, or the other day when it suggested Jake's wife might need a nap. We think the problem is the mouth's disconnect with the brain, or maybe too strong a connection. Not sure which.


Personally, I thought those first free moments felt pretty good. I could wiggle all my toes, bend and stretch in every direction. It was awesome.


Sadly, for me, pretty much every day for the next 40 years has gone something like this: wake up, cover up with slippers, five minutes free reign in the bath or shower, cover up with socks and shoes, stay cramped and sweaty all day without really exercising any of my one hundred muscles or tendons, remove shoes and socks, slip under the covers, sleep.


So mostly, up until recently, my life has totally sucked. I've been weak, the rest of Jake's body has given up on me as a base of stability, and the complaining ankles that keep getting blown apart playing basketball are really getting on my last nerve.


But this is a full product review, so let me tell you about what I'm working with here. I'll start at the top. Jake's hair has held up fairly well, but the touches of grey make him look either distinguished or old, depending on the brain's perspective that day.


Speaking of Jake's brain, I'll be frank....I'm a little concerned. The brain seems to be running more like a steam locomotive these days and less like a Ferarri. It's lost it's speed, and some days we have to wait a little until he's ready to start processing. Until recently, Jake's brain had given up on getting feedback from me about the ground. It wasn't really my fault. I wasn't getting any stimulus from the environment because of these shoe coffins he always put me in.


Jake's face is the type only a mother could love, and the bags under his eyes grow darker and puffier every year. His ears look okay, but Jake's mother was certain they were non-functioning throughout his childhood, and his wife is convinced they're still somehow blocked.


Jake's heart is in good shape from running the last several years, although it did have a bad stretch in the late '80s when it was broken twice. His stomach and intestines are much happier lately from Jake's switch to a caveman diet and lifestyle, but his liver is still struggling to recover from the college years of the early '90s.


At this point in the product review, you're probably thinking, "Hey, Jake's body is in pretty good shape for the mileage." Sure, but I haven't told you about Jake's back, hips and knees yet. These guys have zero durability, are the biggest complainers you'll ever meet, and until recently were fighting the brain and me over every step. If Jake were a car, you'd be convinced it was time for a lower-half overhaul.


Why do I say this? It's a long but typical story. A few years ago Jake's mouth got us all in trouble again when it spouted off about running a marathon. Jake's brain was working even slower than usual that evening due to the dumb liver's inability to process a couple of beers, so it couldn't stop the testosterone in Jake's blood stream from influencing the mouth in front of a few buddies. Next thing you know, all of us are committed to a marathon.


Now I'll be the first to admit, the mouth sure did a favor for Jake's heart and beer-belly. They are both in much better shape today because Jake's mouth is a loose cannon. But it ruined the relationship I had with Jake's back, hips and knees.


As Jake trained for the marathon, his mileage went far beyond any distances we had run before. During the runs, Jake's brain was constantly asking me for feedback about the terrain so the muscles could make micro adjustments. But surrounded by running shoes, I couldn't feel the terrain at all. So I'd tell the brain to force the legs to pound us harder into the ground so that I could feel something. But this would only make Jake's back, hips and knees scream. The brain would respond and tell the legs to lengthen their stride, but that wouldn't really help, and I still couldn't feel anything.


We fought through that first marathon, but soon the whole situation got even uglier. Jake's mouth got involved again and committed to a faster marathon. So Jake's brain increased the weekly mileage, and all of us in Jake's lower body went into full scale war. Jake's shin bones were literally coming apart, causing shin splints. The hips were deteriorating from the pounding. Due to the long strides, Jake was only landing on my heel bone, and the achilles and calves were hardly being used. All it took was one sprint up a hill to blow out an achilles. All of us had had enough.


When the achilles healed last winter, Jake's brain started reading about running form and his eyes absorbed videos of world class runners. Each time we would go out for a run, the brain was sending new messages to the leg muscles. This resulted in shorter, quicker steps. Jake's upper and lower body worked together to balance with a slight forward lean. I was involved in a whole new way. Instead of landing on my heel bones, I was now supporting Jake's body by landing midfoot. It should have engaged the muscles in my arch, but the darn arches built into the running shoes prevented this. I've always known you only weaken an arch by supporting it from underneath, but seriously, who actually listens to a foot?


Then Jake read a book called Born to Run, and that was all it took. He set me free from the foot coffins. I could feel the ground again. The nooks, the crannies, the pebbles, the rocks, the damp, the cold, the sun, the wind. Of course, I was so excited at first I didn't tell the brain to slow down or limit the mileage, and one of my metatarsals fractured. But can you blame me for not taking it easy? It's like giving your teenager his first car and telling him he can only drive around the block.


So back to the review of Jake's lower body. I'm happy to say Jake's back, hips, knees and shins are loving me now. I mean, they actually got together recently and bought me a massage and pedicure. The calves have gotten much bigger and stronger and are so pleased with themselves that it's a little disturbing.


And what about me, Jake's feet? For the first time in my life, my muscles are growing strong. After being pinched in shoes, my toes are broadening and straightening. My joints are loosening up and the tendons are strong and elastic.


My recommendation? This particular Jake is in decent shape. Recent changes to the model are a significant improvement. Jake's children believe he should be more forgiving, and his wife still thinks he's a lazy bum, but I'm happy with my Jake. He set me free.


*Posted here at BRS and on my blog at www.runbarefooteurope.blogspot.com
 
Too kind, Bob. But are you sure you want to expose your readers to the blathering vomit of a guy whose body parts actually talk to each other?
 
Absolutely, these are things that are very important, lol. I laugh so hard as I read your blog, makes my day.